Its past mid night, my eyes were still wide open. Staring at the ceiling, which turned from plain black to somehow grayish, I’m starting to wonder that it wasn’t insomnia that kept me awake for all these time. I figure that I needed music, but music seems so sad to me, rather than being sentimental. Such a gloomy night, as if the only emotion I can feel right now is sorrow. I miss the optimistic mind of mine; I just couldn’t bring it back. Luckily the rain was by my side with his soothing melody.
“Hey is your girlfriend still “locked up”?”my mother asked me, earlier when I finished my shower.
“Yeah, her final paper is coming on soon.”
“Well, final or not, looks like someone’s going to lose his lover if this continues.”
A mother knows her son; she knows I’m having a hard time dealing with my relationship. It’s been three years, me and her, but I couldn’t tolerate a few weeks not seeing her, how ironic. Well, maybe she’s just a few blocks away, and she’s not by my side. I know I sound selfish, now that she’s sitting for her last piece of exam paper, I could have been more tolerable? That was what is in my mind for the last couple of weeks, and what kept me awake tonight.
“Am I too selfish? Or is it her attitude and mine just doesn’t match?” I thought to myself.
“24-7, not one minute for me when I’m only few walk away? Only one message at night to tell me you’re going to bed, every single day? Guess it would be more than sitting for a piece of exam paper? Would it?”
“Why is it that every time we’re apart, I’m the one whining and complaining and she’s not?”
“Doesn’t she miss me at all? If she does, why am I not feeling it?”
I felt so guilty every time I think like this. It’s like I’m giving her only problems and complaints, and not supporting her at times in need. I recognize this feeling; I’ve had it millions of times before, only stronger this time. We would have a quarrel when I have this feeling, but everything’s alright this time. Guess I’m a gun out of bullet. I have no intention to bring up this matter to her, because I think it’s pointless to argue over such a thing anymore. Apparently my feelings to her are fading, vice versa.
I know that this is the last time she’ll make me feel this way, because I don’t feel as sad anymore. I’m out of tears, out of emotions, out of expectation, out of hope, out of love. I may not be a veteran in relationship, or a professional in love, but I certainly know when I feel exhausted, and when is the right time to let go a relationship. I can’t tolerate anymore, so let me be selfish. But she’s my first, and the first cut is the deepest. My life may be filled with grief if I were to lose her, but yes, I will still do it, for her best and mine.
If warfare reduced Las Vegas to ashes, there will be nothing left but beautiful memories of you and him. The good times and bad times, the joy and sorrow, the tears and the laughter with him end here. And when the pale moonlight shines upon the ground, you can only mesmerize the beauty of it, and let all of your feelings burst, and cry at the top of your voice. You can do nothing about it. Neither can you fix it, nor can undo it.
You can only rebuild.
